Baby's First Christmas...

Mahlia Rheann,

You have been a blessing to me in more ways than one. I pray and hope that I will be able to show you the true meaning of Christmas, that I will be able to instill in you the ability and desire to bless others as you have been blessed.

To my sweet baby girl, may this very first Christmas and all the Christmases to follow be filled with all the blessings, joy and love you so deserve.

I will always love you,
Mom

Lift Me out of My Past

Every morning is like waking up from a nightmare and realizing that it wasn't just a dream. Realizing that the other side of the bed is empty. Realizing that your heart is broken. Realizing that the tears were real. Realizing that your nightmare is your reality. When will this indescribable pain no longer be a part of my life? Who knew heartache could be so unrelenting?

I try to continuously be in prayer. Praying for that peace beyond all understanding, for that moment when this too shall pass.

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes;

there shall be no more death,

nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain,

for the former things have passed away.

Revelations 21:4

Look Up

Since the day we decided to reconcile, the fear of him leaving me again had completely crippled me. I had been knocked to my knees...again, broken from the pain, my faith clouded with doubt, and barely able to place one foot in front of the other. I had been propelled back into the pit and I had to make the decision to look up. And it wasn't until Thursday last week that I did.

The Muck and The Mire

We had a good evening tonight. I came home from work and made us dinner. He stayed for a little bit after dinner and then left for his parents' house, where he has been living this entire time. Yet after he left, feelings of inadequacy started to overwhelm me. Am I not beautiful? What did I do so wrong? Am I such a horrible person from the inside out? I feel like I need reassurance, but his words and actions have not been enough to pacify my despair. When will these questions begin to dissipate? Will they ever? I thought that I had already worked through these emotions. But, it seems that I am cycling through them all over again. When I looked in the mirror this evening, I saw a woman looking back at me who could not make her husband happy. A woman who was simply not enough. I had made the decision when I woke this morning that I was ready to put the past behind me. But, how do I rebuild my own self-worth? How do I learn to love myself again?

Pulling It All Back Together

Meet someone and fall in love...check

Graduate from college...check

Get a good job...check

Get married...check

Build a house...check

Get my AVP title...check

Start a family...check

I look at that list and I can't help but think, "wow...I am doing exactly what I've always planned on doing." Yet, I have never felt so out of control of my life. I keep thinking, haven't I done what I'm suppose to do? And here I am feeling like my life has come apart at the seams, but slowly God is beginning to help pull it all back together.

It's been a little over a month since I've last written and so much has happened. It seemed as though I was finally healing, moving forward somehow from all of this chaos. Mahlia and I traveled to Washington D.C. in the beginning of October. Her very first vacation! My friends flew us out there to help me "get away" for a couple of days. I am truly blessed with the most loving, generous friends. Mahlia experienced so many firsts on this trip...her first plane ride, her first subway ride, her first museum, her first bites of something other than milk! One of her favorite places was definitely the National Museum of American History (that's where we are in the picture on the right). She was an absolute hoot...squealing from excitement and making everyone laugh. She was just fantastic! Her little personality is truly amazing and she can bring a smile to just about anyone's face, especially mine.

When we returned from our vacation, everything seemed to be moving in the right direction with only a couple of hiccups here and there. Well, okay...maybe one big hiccup. Tuesday evening after Mahlia and I returned from D.C., her father insisted he bring Mahlia to the house after I got off work rather than me picking her up. Well, I let him and it inevitably led us into a huge fight. But this one was different. Maybe I was exhausted, maybe I was vulnerable at that moment. Whatever it was, I let my armour down and divulged my deepest wounds. I let my soul be completely exposed to him.

Fast forward two weeks later and here I am...30 years old, since only 15 days ago, and desperately attempting to put the pieces back together of my marriage. Don't get me wrong, the two weeks were filled with numerous emotional highs and more than enough emotional lows. Ultimately, I did feel like my wounds were healing. I was beginning to see a future with just me and my baby girl. But, of course, when I finally feel like I am on course...life throws me a curve ball.

It was as if he had been hit by a mack truck of reality, causing him to be fully aware of the pain he had caused, remorseful of his actions, and wanting to undo all the damage that had been done. He wanted to come back. I prayed for what seemed like days, but God had already laid the answer on my heart. I know I love him still....my love for him had always been unconditional. So here we are, facing what will be the most difficult road of rebuilding our relationship.

A Letter to My Husband

I don't think that you fully understand how much you have hurt me. Nor will you ever be able to comprehend how much you have scarred my soul. And yes, maybe I have hurt you, but it was never intentional. I have never betrayed you and I hope that you never experience such anguish and heartache. Like I told you the other night, if I never trusted you I would have never built my future around you. I would not have been so blindsided by all of this, nor would I be experiencing such suffering had I never trusted you.

I'm not telling you all of this, including the things I said last night, to hurt you. How can I hurt you, when you no longer love me? I'm just trying to make sense of this, but I don't think that I will ever be able to understand. And you're right, this isn't how our story was suppose to end. But you are choosing this path, not just for you, but for me and our daughter. I was willing to do anything and everything to fix what was broken. I wanted to fight for our family. How is it that when it is most important, you are giving up? You didn't even give us an honest chance. Although you won't say it to me, your actions tell me that you don't think our family is worth the fight and it breaks my heart. I've been asking myself, why now? Why didn't you leave sooner? If you were so unhappy, why didn't you let me leave the relationship all those times? But I don't think even you can answer that because I know that yes, there were unhappy times, but there were also so many happy, beautiful moments. We wouldn't have made it through the trials we have gone through together if there wasn't.

This is a time when we are suppose to be enjoying our family and all of our blessings, but instead everything is so bittersweet. But Mahlia has been worth every heartache and every tear. I am blessed that she is in my life. Every time I look at her beautiful face and each time I hear the sound of her laughter, I am reminded of God's sweet miracle. It pains me to know that you are missing out on so much already, her first food, her first plane ride, her first everything. I want more than anything for her to have her father, to have my husband, for our family to be whole...but my want isn't enough. And I hate that even after all of the pain you have made me endure, there is still a part of me that wants to be with you. I hate that a part of me still wants to put all the pieces back together. I hate that I still care about you. I hate that I still worry about you. I hate that I am vulnerable to you. I hate that I still love you. The words that I seek to comfort me...I have already heard once from your lips, but will probably never hear again. I am giving you what you want, a life without me. So, please just make this easy for me. Haven't you punished me enough? Don't call me at work crying, don't tell me that you will always love me when you don't, don't act like you care when you don't, don't tell me that we are your priority when we're not, don't tell me that this is hard for you when it's not....this is the happiness that you want. I am opening the door for you to leave this relationship, so please just go. I feel like you still have one foot in the door, because you are so callous towards me one minute and then the next minute you are going out of your way to accommodate me. Nathan, this only confuses me and makes me think that maybe you aren't certain with what you want. One day, you say one thing and the next day it's something else. I can't take anymore of this back and forth.

Please don't give me any more false hopes. You have and continue to strip me of so much...emotionally, mentally, financially. All I have left is my faith and all I can do is trust that He will carry me through this.
There is so much more I want to say to you, but I can't even find the words.

If only you knew...*m*

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

Am I Beautiful?

I saw her picture. A friend told me where her photo was available online and I debated with myself...do I really want to put a face with a name? Because at that time, that's all she was to me. Just a name. But I knew that I might see her one day and there was no better time than the present. So I took a deep breath and dove right in. I was holding in my angst as I searched for the photo. And there it was, staring me in the face and all I could do was just sit there in silence. I didn't know exactly how to feel or exactly what to think. My only thought was that she was the antithesis of me. So, then, do I feel better or worse about myself? I went to bed that night full of questions...am I beautiful...can someone truly love me for me?

At church the next morning, it was as if God had heard all of those questions and He was determined for me to hear the answer. The message that day definitely touched my heart, "you are his masterpiece...his love never fails". But God wanted me to know that He was speaking directly to me. Because after the service, the Pastor came up to me and gave me a big hug. Then he looked me in the eyes ever so intently and said, "You are just so beautiful."

Commitment

I was going through some old pictures and noticed that my husband was wearing his wedding band on the wrong hand and found another where he wasn't even wearing it at all. When I tried to recall when those pictures were taken, I knew that I wasn't there with him. Initially, I was enraged, but more than anything I felt foolish. How could I have been so blind?


I texted him that night, questioning how often he had slipped off the ring that symbolized our commitment to one another and I let him know how asinine I felt. But the next day, as I was getting ready for work, I no longer had the need to know. What did it matter anymore? The ring was just that...a ring. I realized that the commitment lies within the person and he is not and was not committed to the covenant that was our marriage. Whether he had ever been, doesn't really matter anymore either. What matters is now. And right now, I'm learning that I can only control such a small piece of my life. The rest, I just have to trust to God.

An Answered Prayer

I was at a point where I didn't even know what exactly to pray for anymore regarding my marriage. Did I want to be able to put the pieces back together? Did I want to be able to just walk away? I had already proceeded with the divorce, but yet I was having difficulty finding peace. I confessed all of this to a wise friend and she said to me, "Pray that God will give you a clear, undeniable sign that you are making the right decision." So, I did.

This past Friday, God answered my prayer. I spent some time listening to the life experiences of an individual I had never really spoken to before. Prior to Friday, the extent of our conversations had never delved below the surface. We would pass each other in the halls and merely mutter the normal, "Hi, how are you?". But on this day, she bared her soul to me. She shared stories about the trials that she had previously endured, how she overcame them, and how it has shaped her into the beautiful person that she is today. She is truly an inspiration and hearing her story has renewed my hope, strengthened my faith, and given me peace in my heart.

It's amazing how God orchestrates certain people to cross your path at a specific moment. I know that the right people, precise timing, and exact circumstances had to occur for this meeting to come to pass. I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would feel that this encounter would be my "clear, undeniable sign". And I will tell you. It is because the woman who now holds my husband's heart in her hands and this woman who has restored my faith and given me peace share the same name.

I have so many things I want to say, but no words to express them. So many questions I need answered, but no truth to fill them.

In God's Hands

This past Sunday was Mahlia's baby dedication. Her father stood up there with me and we dedicated her together, but I held Mahlia in my arms and she held on to me. It was bittersweet. I had never imagined that we would be dedicating our child only as mother and father, and not as husband and wife. His parents were there, which made it even more difficult for me since they have always treated me as a daughter.

I've cried a couple of times since Sunday, grieving the loss of a husband and a best friend. I can't make him want something that he doesn't nor can I make him remorseful for his actions when he's not. There is nothing else that I can do or say that will open his eyes to be able to see past this moment. It is truly in God's hands. I can only move forward, hoping that acceptance is right around the corner.

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."

- Author Unknown

A letter for my daughter

To my dear sweet baby girl,

You have only been here for nearly four months and you have already taught me so much. You have taught me to be selfless, how to put someone else's needs before my own. You have taught me to be thankful for each and every moment, even the difficult ones. You have taught me to be strong and to never lose faith. But most importantly, you have let me experience a love like no other.

Just know that no matter how hard the road has been, you have been worth every heartache and every tear. I will never tire rocking you to sleep, soothing your tears away, or holding you in my arms. As the years pass, I may make some mistakes, but always know that I will always be here for you and that I want nothing but the best for you. I will never leave your side and my love for you will never wane. I am blessed that you are in my life. Every time I look at your beautiful face and each time I hear the sound of your laughter, I am reminded of God's sweet miracle.

You are my little angel and I will love you always,
Mom

What does it all mean?

I sat at my desk, reading the email I had just written. The words "I approve the final divorce petition, please proceed with filing..." stared coldly back at me. My hand played with the mouse as I continued to stare at the email. The arrow hovered above the send button, as if it were just pacing back and forth. I took a deep, slow breath as my finger clicked on the mouse and the email was gone. The sudden ring of my phone broke my trance and his number flashed across the caller ID. I picked up only to hear his voice faintly in the background. I said hello, but he could not hear me.

I texted him later to see why he had called me. He said that it was an accident and that he must have just sat on his phone. But why that moment? Why?

Let Go and Let God

I don't think it was at all coincidental that the Sunday this all came to pass, Ed Young's series on Betrayal also started. I've been following the series and this past Sunday was about the betrayed. He talked about how once you have been betrayed, it is easy to become a betrayer. He also talked about how forgiveness isn't saying that what happened is okay, or that you were not hurt or devastated. Forgiveness is simply saying that you are giving up your right to punish that person. That's what I am trying to work on right now....letting go and letting God.

Eight

It is early and I should still be asleep, but I woke up with an indescribable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am sad. Sad to think that out of our ten year relationship, all he wants out of it comes down to a list of eight things...

1. Mountain bike and accessories


2. DMB DVDs


3. John Mayer DVD


4. Bags and Boards


5. Golf clubs


6. Books, clothes, shoes, and leather jacket


7. Motorcycle


8. Music off of Itunes

All I can think is...what about your wife...what about your daughter...what about your home...what about your friends? Are we that easy to dispose of?

A New Journey

I always said that I wouldn't be a blogger, but here I am wanting to share this journey with anyone and everyone who wants to take the ride with me. I am recently a new mother of a beautiful baby girl, Mahlia Rheann. The journey to conceive was an arduous road full of multiple surgeries, chemical menopause and fertility treatments; but well worth the little miracle God has so graciously blessed me with.

As we all know, where one journey ends another one begins. When Mahlia came into my life, I was excited to be able to enjoy the blessings I had been given: a precious little girl, a beautiful home and a loving husband. Never would I have imagined that only a few months later, I would have to face the most heartbreaking betrayal I have yet to suffer. Three weeks ago, I learned that my husband had fallen in love with another woman and that he wanted out of our marriage. Hearing those words come from the one person I thought would always be by my side was agony. As any mother would, I tried to salvage our relationship. I placed my heart in my husband's hands and told him that I wanted to fix what was broken between us. We had been trying to work through this for the past two weeks, only to find out just three days ago that he had once again betrayed me. Driven by my anger, I went to a lawyer and initiated the steps to file for divorce this past Friday. So, this is the new journey I now face.

I'm sure some people are wondering why I would want to share such an experience so publicly. But documenting all of this gives me hope to think that someone out there might learn from this journey, whether it's someone I may never meet or maybe even my own daughter twenty years from now. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and although this difficult situation may not make any sense right now, I know that He will carry us.