Friday, November 20, 2009

Lift Me out of My Past

Every morning is like waking up from a nightmare and realizing that it wasn't just a dream. Realizing that the other side of the bed is empty. Realizing that your heart is broken. Realizing that the tears were real. Realizing that your nightmare is your reality. When will this indescribable pain no longer be a part of my life? Who knew heartache could be so unrelenting?

I try to continuously be in prayer. Praying for that peace beyond all understanding, for that moment when this too shall pass.

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes;
there shall be no more death,
nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain,
for the former things have passed away.
Revelations 21:4

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Look Up

Since the day we decided to reconcile, the fear of him leaving me again had completely crippled me. I had been knocked to my knees...again, broken from the pain, my faith clouded with doubt, and barely able to place one foot in front of the other. I had been propelled back into the pit and I had to make the decision to look up. And it wasn't until Thursday last week that I did.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Muck and The Mire

We had a good evening tonight. I came home from work and made us dinner. He stayed for a little bit after dinner and then left for his parents' house, where he has been living this entire time. Yet after he left, feelings of inadequacy started to overwhelm me. Am I not beautiful? What did I do so wrong? Am I such a horrible person from the inside out? I feel like I need reassurance, but his words and actions have not been enough to pacify my despair. When will these questions begin to dissipate? Will they ever? I thought that I had already worked through these emotions. But, it seems that I am cycling through them all over again. When I looked in the mirror this evening, I saw a woman looking back at me who could not make her husband happy. A woman who was simply not enough. I had made the decision when I woke this morning that I was ready to put the past behind me. But, how do I rebuild my own self-worth? How do I learn to love myself again?