Monday, March 22, 2010

Make Preparations

I need to fast. This emotional trauma has made me lose so much focus. All my energy has been enveloped in this tragedy for what has been nearly 8 months. Divorce is ugly. It is draining. It is painful. It is heartbreaking. If you have never been through one, don't. Just don't.

Twenty more days until this "waiting period" enforced by the state will be over. Twenty more days...

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
- Isaiah 40:31

I am exhausted. But, I know that I need to not grow weary. For the next twenty days, I will fast from all of this chaos. I will shift my focus and begin preparing myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the blessings that I know will soon abound.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
- Jeremiah 29:11

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Oh, what a blessing...

If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.

-- Vincent van Gogh

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"Momma! Momma!"

The very day (February 11, 2010) there is a record snowfall of 12.5 inches in DFW, Mahlia says her very first word. Since my baby girl was two months old, she was always a talker. So, it's no surprise that she is able to say her first word at 8 and 1/2 months. I will never forget the moment...

The snow was continuing to fall outside and Mahlia was laying in her Uncle Casey's lap, playing with her cousin, Caden. Her Uncle sat her up and, for some reason (I think she may have been tired), she got upset. Mahlia raised her little arms in the air, looked at me from across the room, and cried out: "Momma! Momma!". For a moment, it seemed that the room stood still until everyone let out a gasp of surprise.
I never thought hearing my daughter say "Momma" to me could ever submerge me in such deep love. I was and still am so overwhelmed with emotion that I am crying even now as I write this. She is so amazing and I am so blessed to be her "Momma".

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Coup de grĂ¢ce

I was willing to do whatever it took to keep our family together. I forgave the unforgivable. I believed, when you gave me no hope. I even carried part of the burden of this betrayal, although I had remained faithful and committed.

Yet we are here now because, rather than making this betrayal a part of our past, you have chosen to just live in it instead. You have determined that this is no longer the life you want. You have decided that the chance of me, you, and Mahlia being happy as a family is not worth the battle. And that is more than unfortunate. It is devastatingly sad. To allow someone to come into your life and tear our family apart is a tragedy beyond words. Stop blaming me for what you have done. See yourself for who you are, as I now see you...

It is heartbreaking that I now look back at the 11 years we spent together with the belief that your love for me was never real. I walk away cognizant of the fact that I never meant anything to you. I walk away knowing that I was so easily disposable to the man I had entrusted my life to. I leave this relationship with the discernment that I had given you all of love, my devotion, my compassion, my forgiveness, my future..only to receive this heartache in return.

I truly hope that the happiness you have found with her has been worth the agony you have made your wife and daughter endure. But you and I both know, it will never be.

I loved you more than you know...*m*

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Barely able to breathe
thinking of what may be,
My heart in such deep despair
at the thought of
your fingers entangled in her hair...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Full Circle

I have, once again, come full circle. The past two months were difficult, more difficult than they should have been. I couldn't understand why, but my eyes are now open. We had been trying to put the pieces of our marriage back together, or so I thought. We were going to counseling, spending time together, doing the things we thought we were suppose to be doing. But, we were always fighting. I could feel his lack of commitment. I felt the barricade he was putting up. I felt him trying to keep me out. He was guarding his heart from me and I couldn't understand why. I prayed relentlessly. We even began praying together. But it finally came to a point for me where his actions spoke so loudly, I could no longer hear what he was saying. His words were just words.

When he finally told me that he couldn't do this anymore, I didn't fight it any longer. I could see that he had not fully submitted his heart to God, that he had not come to full repentance. This was not the time for us to reconcile. But when he told me that he was going to take the time to figure himself out and find the person he once was, I believed him. I believed him. I believed him.

Four days later, I learn that he is taking her on vacation. A road trip to Santa Barbara, using his room nights at the Four Seasons. Not only did he lie to me, and not only is he spending money rather than working, but he has backed out on his commitment to take care of his daughter that week. He was so adamant about going, he was willing to find a daycare that would take her for just a week. This was his first opportunity to prove that he truly has Mahlia's best interest at heart, that Mahlia is his first priority, and he has chosen instead to be selfish. I guess honesty and commitment do not mean anything to him anymore. Did they ever?

I am disappointed. I am disgusted. I am angry.

At this point, I probably shouldn't be surprised. But, I am. I don't know why I still want to see the best in him. I feel so disillusioned. At what point do you give up on a person? At what point do you just accept that they are not the amazing, beautiful, selfless, loving, devoted person you once thought they were?