Graduate from college...check
Get a good job...check
Build a house...check
Get my AVP title...check
Start a family...check
I look at that list and I can't help but think, "wow...I am doing exactly what I've always planned on doing." Yet, I have never felt so out of control of my life. I keep thinking, haven't I done what I'm suppose to do? And here I am feeling like my life has come apart at the seams, but slowly God is beginning to help pull it all back together.
It's been a little over a month since I've last written and so much has happened. It seemed as though I was finally healing, moving forward somehow from all of this chaos. Mahlia and I traveled to Washington D.C. in the beginning of October. Her very first vacation! My friends flew us out there to help me "get away" for a couple of days. I am truly blessed with the most loving, generous friends. Mahlia experienced so many firsts on this trip...her first plane ride, her first subway ride, her first museum, her first bites of something other than milk! One of her favorite places was definitely the National Museum of American History (that's where we are in the picture on the right). She was an absolute hoot...squealing from excitement and making everyone laugh. She was just fantastic! Her little personality is truly amazing and she can bring a smile to just about anyone's face, especially mine.
When we returned from our vacation, everything seemed to be moving in the right direction with only a couple of hiccups here and there. Well, okay...maybe one big hiccup. Tuesday evening after Mahlia and I returned from D.C., her father insisted he bring Mahlia to the house after I got off work rather than me picking her up. Well, I let him and it inevitably led us into a huge fight. But this one was different. Maybe I was exhausted, maybe I was vulnerable at that moment. Whatever it was, I let my armour down and divulged my deepest wounds. I let my soul be completely exposed to him.
Fast forward two weeks later and here I am...30 years old, since only 15 days ago, and desperately attempting to put the pieces back together of my marriage. Don't get me wrong, the two weeks were filled with numerous emotional highs and more than enough emotional lows. Ultimately, I did feel like my wounds were healing. I was beginning to see a future with just me and my baby girl. But, of course, when I finally feel like I am on course...life throws me a curve ball.
It was as if he had been hit by a mack truck of reality, causing him to be fully aware of the pain he had caused, remorseful of his actions, and wanting to undo all the damage that had been done. He wanted to come back. I prayed for what seemed like days, but God had already laid the answer on my heart. I know I love him still....my love for him had always been unconditional. So here we are, facing what will be the most difficult road of rebuilding our relationship.