Friday, October 30, 2009

Pulling It All Back Together

Meet someone and fall in love...check
Graduate from college...check
Get a good job...check
Get married...check
Build a house...check
Get my AVP title...check
Start a family...check
I look at that list and I can't help but think, "wow...I am doing exactly what I've always planned on doing." Yet, I have never felt so out of control of my life. I keep thinking, haven't I done what I'm suppose to do? And here I am feeling like my life has come apart at the seams, but slowly God is beginning to help pull it all back together.

It's been a little over a month since I've last written and so much has happened. It seemed as though I was finally healing, moving forward somehow from all of this chaos. Mahlia and I traveled to Washington D.C. in the beginning of October. Her very first vacation! My friends flew us out there to help me "get away" for a couple of days. I am truly blessed with the most loving, generous friends. Mahlia experienced so many firsts on this trip...her first plane ride, her first subway ride, her first museum, her first bites of something other than milk! One of her favorite places was definitely the National Museum of American History (that's where we are in the picture on the right). She was an absolute hoot...squealing from excitement and making everyone laugh. She was just fantastic! Her little personality is truly amazing and she can bring a smile to just about anyone's face, especially mine.
When we returned from our vacation, everything seemed to be moving in the right direction with only a couple of hiccups here and there. Well, okay...maybe one big hiccup. Tuesday evening after Mahlia and I returned from D.C., her father insisted he bring Mahlia to the house after I got off work rather than me picking her up. Well, I let him and it inevitably led us into a huge fight. But this one was different. Maybe I was exhausted, maybe I was vulnerable at that moment. Whatever it was, I let my armour down and divulged my deepest wounds. I let my soul be completely exposed to him.

Fast forward two weeks later and here I am...30 years old, since only 15 days ago, and desperately attempting to put the pieces back together of my marriage. Don't get me wrong, the two weeks were filled with numerous emotional highs and more than enough emotional lows. Ultimately, I did feel like my wounds were healing. I was beginning to see a future with just me and my baby girl. But, of course, when I finally feel like I am on throws me a curve ball.

It was as if he had been hit by a mack truck of reality, causing him to be fully aware of the pain he had caused, remorseful of his actions, and wanting to undo all the damage that had been done. He wanted to come back. I prayed for what seemed like days, but God had already laid the answer on my heart. I know I love him love for him had always been unconditional. So here we are, facing what will be the most difficult road of rebuilding our relationship.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Letter to My Husband

I don't think that you fully understand how much you have hurt me. Nor will you ever be able to comprehend how much you have scarred my soul. And yes, maybe I have hurt you, but it was never intentional. I have never betrayed you and I hope that you never experience such anguish and heartache. Like I told you the other night, if I never trusted you I would have never built my future around you. I would not have been so blindsided by all of this, nor would I be experiencing such suffering had I never trusted you.

I'm not telling you all of this, including the things I said last night, to hurt you. How can I hurt you, when you no longer love me? I'm just trying to make sense of this, but I don't think that I will ever be able to understand. And you're right, this isn't how our story was suppose to end. But you are choosing this path, not just for you, but for me and our daughter. I was willing to do anything and everything to fix what was broken. I wanted to fight for our family. How is it that when it is most important, you are giving up? You didn't even give us an honest chance. Although you won't say it to me, your actions tell me that you don't think our family is worth the fight and it breaks my heart. I've been asking myself, why now? Why didn't you leave sooner? If you were so unhappy, why didn't you let me leave the relationship all those times? But I don't think even you can answer that because I know that yes, there were unhappy times, but there were also so many happy, beautiful moments. We wouldn't have made it through the trials we have gone through together if there wasn't.

This is a time when we are suppose to be enjoying our family and all of our blessings, but instead everything is so bittersweet. But Mahlia has been worth every heartache and every tear. I am blessed that she is in my life. Every time I look at her beautiful face and each time I hear the sound of her laughter, I am reminded of God's sweet miracle. It pains me to know that you are missing out on so much already, her first food, her first plane ride, her first everything. I want more than anything for her to have her father, to have my husband, for our family to be whole...but my want isn't enough. And I hate that even after all of the pain you have made me endure, there is still a part of me that wants to be with you. I hate that a part of me still wants to put all the pieces back together. I hate that I still care about you. I hate that I still worry about you. I hate that I am vulnerable to you. I hate that I still love you. The words that I seek to comfort me...I have already heard once from your lips, but will probably never hear again. I am giving you what you want, a life without me. So, please just make this easy for me. Haven't you punished me enough? Don't call me at work crying, don't tell me that you will always love me when you don't, don't act like you care when you don't, don't tell me that we are your priority when we're not, don't tell me that this is hard for you when it's not....this is the happiness that you want. I am opening the door for you to leave this relationship, so please just go. I feel like you still have one foot in the door, because you are so callous towards me one minute and then the next minute you are going out of your way to accommodate me. Nathan, this only confuses me and makes me think that maybe you aren't certain with what you want. One day, you say one thing and the next day it's something else. I can't take anymore of this back and forth.

Please don't give me any more false hopes. You have and continue to strip me of so much...emotionally, mentally, financially. All I have left is my faith and all I can do is trust that He will carry me through this.
There is so much more I want to say to you, but I can't even find the words.

If only you knew...*m*

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine