Am I Beautiful?

I saw her picture. A friend told me where her photo was available online and I debated with myself...do I really want to put a face with a name? Because at that time, that's all she was to me. Just a name. But I knew that I might see her one day and there was no better time than the present. So I took a deep breath and dove right in. I was holding in my angst as I searched for the photo. And there it was, staring me in the face and all I could do was just sit there in silence. I didn't know exactly how to feel or exactly what to think. My only thought was that she was the antithesis of me. So, then, do I feel better or worse about myself? I went to bed that night full of questions...am I beautiful...can someone truly love me for me?

At church the next morning, it was as if God had heard all of those questions and He was determined for me to hear the answer. The message that day definitely touched my heart, "you are his masterpiece...his love never fails". But God wanted me to know that He was speaking directly to me. Because after the service, the Pastor came up to me and gave me a big hug. Then he looked me in the eyes ever so intently and said, "You are just so beautiful."

Commitment

I was going through some old pictures and noticed that my husband was wearing his wedding band on the wrong hand and found another where he wasn't even wearing it at all. When I tried to recall when those pictures were taken, I knew that I wasn't there with him. Initially, I was enraged, but more than anything I felt foolish. How could I have been so blind?


I texted him that night, questioning how often he had slipped off the ring that symbolized our commitment to one another and I let him know how asinine I felt. But the next day, as I was getting ready for work, I no longer had the need to know. What did it matter anymore? The ring was just that...a ring. I realized that the commitment lies within the person and he is not and was not committed to the covenant that was our marriage. Whether he had ever been, doesn't really matter anymore either. What matters is now. And right now, I'm learning that I can only control such a small piece of my life. The rest, I just have to trust to God.

An Answered Prayer

I was at a point where I didn't even know what exactly to pray for anymore regarding my marriage. Did I want to be able to put the pieces back together? Did I want to be able to just walk away? I had already proceeded with the divorce, but yet I was having difficulty finding peace. I confessed all of this to a wise friend and she said to me, "Pray that God will give you a clear, undeniable sign that you are making the right decision." So, I did.

This past Friday, God answered my prayer. I spent some time listening to the life experiences of an individual I had never really spoken to before. Prior to Friday, the extent of our conversations had never delved below the surface. We would pass each other in the halls and merely mutter the normal, "Hi, how are you?". But on this day, she bared her soul to me. She shared stories about the trials that she had previously endured, how she overcame them, and how it has shaped her into the beautiful person that she is today. She is truly an inspiration and hearing her story has renewed my hope, strengthened my faith, and given me peace in my heart.

It's amazing how God orchestrates certain people to cross your path at a specific moment. I know that the right people, precise timing, and exact circumstances had to occur for this meeting to come to pass. I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would feel that this encounter would be my "clear, undeniable sign". And I will tell you. It is because the woman who now holds my husband's heart in her hands and this woman who has restored my faith and given me peace share the same name.

I have so many things I want to say, but no words to express them. So many questions I need answered, but no truth to fill them.

In God's Hands

This past Sunday was Mahlia's baby dedication. Her father stood up there with me and we dedicated her together, but I held Mahlia in my arms and she held on to me. It was bittersweet. I had never imagined that we would be dedicating our child only as mother and father, and not as husband and wife. His parents were there, which made it even more difficult for me since they have always treated me as a daughter.

I've cried a couple of times since Sunday, grieving the loss of a husband and a best friend. I can't make him want something that he doesn't nor can I make him remorseful for his actions when he's not. There is nothing else that I can do or say that will open his eyes to be able to see past this moment. It is truly in God's hands. I can only move forward, hoping that acceptance is right around the corner.

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."

- Author Unknown

A letter for my daughter

To my dear sweet baby girl,

You have only been here for nearly four months and you have already taught me so much. You have taught me to be selfless, how to put someone else's needs before my own. You have taught me to be thankful for each and every moment, even the difficult ones. You have taught me to be strong and to never lose faith. But most importantly, you have let me experience a love like no other.

Just know that no matter how hard the road has been, you have been worth every heartache and every tear. I will never tire rocking you to sleep, soothing your tears away, or holding you in my arms. As the years pass, I may make some mistakes, but always know that I will always be here for you and that I want nothing but the best for you. I will never leave your side and my love for you will never wane. I am blessed that you are in my life. Every time I look at your beautiful face and each time I hear the sound of your laughter, I am reminded of God's sweet miracle.

You are my little angel and I will love you always,
Mom

What does it all mean?

I sat at my desk, reading the email I had just written. The words "I approve the final divorce petition, please proceed with filing..." stared coldly back at me. My hand played with the mouse as I continued to stare at the email. The arrow hovered above the send button, as if it were just pacing back and forth. I took a deep, slow breath as my finger clicked on the mouse and the email was gone. The sudden ring of my phone broke my trance and his number flashed across the caller ID. I picked up only to hear his voice faintly in the background. I said hello, but he could not hear me.

I texted him later to see why he had called me. He said that it was an accident and that he must have just sat on his phone. But why that moment? Why?

Let Go and Let God

I don't think it was at all coincidental that the Sunday this all came to pass, Ed Young's series on Betrayal also started. I've been following the series and this past Sunday was about the betrayed. He talked about how once you have been betrayed, it is easy to become a betrayer. He also talked about how forgiveness isn't saying that what happened is okay, or that you were not hurt or devastated. Forgiveness is simply saying that you are giving up your right to punish that person. That's what I am trying to work on right now....letting go and letting God.

Eight

It is early and I should still be asleep, but I woke up with an indescribable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am sad. Sad to think that out of our ten year relationship, all he wants out of it comes down to a list of eight things...

1. Mountain bike and accessories


2. DMB DVDs


3. John Mayer DVD


4. Bags and Boards


5. Golf clubs


6. Books, clothes, shoes, and leather jacket


7. Motorcycle


8. Music off of Itunes

All I can think is...what about your wife...what about your daughter...what about your home...what about your friends? Are we that easy to dispose of?

A New Journey

I always said that I wouldn't be a blogger, but here I am wanting to share this journey with anyone and everyone who wants to take the ride with me. I am recently a new mother of a beautiful baby girl, Mahlia Rheann. The journey to conceive was an arduous road full of multiple surgeries, chemical menopause and fertility treatments; but well worth the little miracle God has so graciously blessed me with.

As we all know, where one journey ends another one begins. When Mahlia came into my life, I was excited to be able to enjoy the blessings I had been given: a precious little girl, a beautiful home and a loving husband. Never would I have imagined that only a few months later, I would have to face the most heartbreaking betrayal I have yet to suffer. Three weeks ago, I learned that my husband had fallen in love with another woman and that he wanted out of our marriage. Hearing those words come from the one person I thought would always be by my side was agony. As any mother would, I tried to salvage our relationship. I placed my heart in my husband's hands and told him that I wanted to fix what was broken between us. We had been trying to work through this for the past two weeks, only to find out just three days ago that he had once again betrayed me. Driven by my anger, I went to a lawyer and initiated the steps to file for divorce this past Friday. So, this is the new journey I now face.

I'm sure some people are wondering why I would want to share such an experience so publicly. But documenting all of this gives me hope to think that someone out there might learn from this journey, whether it's someone I may never meet or maybe even my own daughter twenty years from now. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and although this difficult situation may not make any sense right now, I know that He will carry us.