Thursday, January 7, 2010

Full Circle

I have, once again, come full circle. The past two months were difficult, more difficult than they should have been. I couldn't understand why, but my eyes are now open. We had been trying to put the pieces of our marriage back together, or so I thought. We were going to counseling, spending time together, doing the things we thought we were suppose to be doing. But, we were always fighting. I could feel his lack of commitment. I felt the barricade he was putting up. I felt him trying to keep me out. He was guarding his heart from me and I couldn't understand why. I prayed relentlessly. We even began praying together. But it finally came to a point for me where his actions spoke so loudly, I could no longer hear what he was saying. His words were just words.

When he finally told me that he couldn't do this anymore, I didn't fight it any longer. I could see that he had not fully submitted his heart to God, that he had not come to full repentance. This was not the time for us to reconcile. But when he told me that he was going to take the time to figure himself out and find the person he once was, I believed him. I believed him. I believed him.

Four days later, I learn that he is taking her on vacation. A road trip to Santa Barbara, using his room nights at the Four Seasons. Not only did he lie to me, and not only is he spending money rather than working, but he has backed out on his commitment to take care of his daughter that week. He was so adamant about going, he was willing to find a daycare that would take her for just a week. This was his first opportunity to prove that he truly has Mahlia's best interest at heart, that Mahlia is his first priority, and he has chosen instead to be selfish. I guess honesty and commitment do not mean anything to him anymore. Did they ever?

I am disappointed. I am disgusted. I am angry.

At this point, I probably shouldn't be surprised. But, I am. I don't know why I still want to see the best in him. I feel so disillusioned. At what point do you give up on a person? At what point do you just accept that they are not the amazing, beautiful, selfless, loving, devoted person you once thought they were?

1 comment:

  1. Hi,
    Just found your blog through your sisters. We had no idea about the journey you have been enduring these past months. I am so sad and my heart is filled with grief reading about your pain. You write in a way that allows your reader to get a true idea of your heart and your pain.
    On a joyous note, your daughter is beautiful. Wow, what a gift you have.
    Thanks for sharing your story. You are clearly a strong and amazing woman and mother. Praying...